We’d just like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who entered the competition and nominated your best friend as Britain’s Most Under the Thumb Man – the competition is now at an end and we’ve had a phenomenal response. We can tell you that the winner has been chosen and will be appearing in Zoo Magazine at some point around Valentine’s Day – keep watching our Facebook page or Twitter for updates where you’ll also get the latest stag do news and stuff that makes us laugh.

While we’re here… bit of a grisly story coming from Scandinavia
reaching us here at Stag Co towers from the folks at the Huffington Post. If you’re of the easily offended variety, probably best give this one a swerve for your own sake.

A Satan-worshipping man named Isakin Jonsson has asked for permission to wed fellow inmate and self-confessed human vampire Michelle Gustafsson after falling in love via an instant messaging services at a psychiatric facility in Katrineholm, Sweden. Jonsson is being held in the facility after admitting to beheading a mother-of-five and eating her body on the internet. His would-be bride-to-be Gustafsson is in for killing a single father and drinking his blood. It’s not yet been confirmed whether or not the request will be granted but Jonsson said:

“I love Michelle and have never met anyone like her. I want to live a non-criminal life.”

He then put the romantic angle to one side after being told by The Sun that the paper wouldn’t pay someone guilty of such a crime by saying:

“This call ends now if you have no money for me.”

The paper then ended the call. Sweden’s justice system is notoriously liberal which allowed Jonsson and Gustafsson to opt to spend their lives in a secure medical facility to dodge jail. The pair are likely to spend the rest of their lives at the facility and it’s unlikely that their request will be granted.

Well, it’s hardly Romeo and Juliet… anyway The Stag Company are currently offering discounts on their Tallinn stag weekends, visit our Tallinn page or call 01273 225070 to find out more.

It’s a situation that should be familiar to anyone who wants to hide evidence of a night out or stag do. After you’ve finished piecing together all of those half-forgotten memories of debauchery, you realise you’ve got the girlfriend/wife to answer to, you’ve got beer on your breath and you realise you were meant to be home for a romantic night in earlier than you stumbled in. Now your alibi might be watertight and hold up to even the closest of scrutiny but that alcoholic aroma isn’t going to help matters, sometimes even a shower won’t rid you of it.

One strip club in South Africa has moved to create a solution to this problem by developing a range of aftershaves to hide men’s footprints after a night of naughtiness. The “Alibi” range has been developed to back up men’s tall tales with a wide range of flavours available.

These scents include the “My Car Broke Down” aftershave which recreates the smell of fuel, burnt rubber, grease and steel, and their “Working Late” aftershave includes the smell of coffee, wool suits, cigarettes and ink. Even the club admitted their surprise at the popularity of the idea and with bottles selling for £24 a pop, frankly so are we. People from across the world are trying to get hold of a bottle of Alibi from as far afield as the Far East and Europe.

“Men seem desperate to get their hands on this stuff,” boss Shane Harrison said.

Hmm, we can’t help but feel that this is a problem that could be cut off at the source by actually telling your wife or girlfriend that you’re going out and telling her to deal with it – much more effective and much more masculine. Still, a nice idea and if you are under the thumb, then perhaps you should order a bottle.

To find out about a Nottingham stag do that you’ll need a gallon of Alibi to conceal, visit our site or call 01273 225 070.

That’s all she wrote – the hunt for Britain’s Most Under the Thumb Man is at an end, from Nottingham stag do no-shows to the man who had to go home from a night out to change the air freshener, we’re quite frankly ashamed at just how many pansies there on this little island of ours. Spirit of the bulldog? More like spirit of the poodle in Britain circa 2012.

The winner of this ‘prestigious’ award will be crowned in due course but for now, let’s take a look at some of the entries that we’ve received.

If you read yesterday’s post you’ll be aware that our very own marketing manager Keith White was nominated by his friend Michael – well, Keith’s had his revenge at the death and that’s precisely where we’ll start today’s entries.

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My nomination for Britains most under the thumb bloke is for Mike Jeffries.

This guy is unreal. I find it hard to still call him a guy, since the last time he used his ‘willy’ was for a sit down wee.

Mikes career best ‘under the thumb’ Highlights come in this tidy form:

1) his mrs makes him pee sitting down so she doesn’t have to put the seat down. She also holds spot checks to ensure this is happening, and he can’t lock the door to allow the testing.

2) he isn’t allowed to poo during the day incase it cuts into their alone time

3) he had to propose To her while they were queuing to see the top of the Eiffel Tower whilst on a ‘valentines day’ visit to Paris, because and only because the guy in front did it to his mrs.

4) he is not allowed to see his friends the night before any planned night out because “it is their last night together”

5) he wasn’t allowed his own mates to his birthday party. Only her friends.

6) he had to wear a pair of welly style leather boots that she bought him, purely because his mrs saw Arg wearing them on Towie

7) he wasn’t allowed to go see his best mate once because she accused him of being gay because they spent too much time together

he won’t be allowed to go to newcastle on that off the leash package and will be forced to go on the spa weekend

9) for fathers day he took her for a fish pedicure

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My mate Steve is my nomination. Two years ago he would be out every weekend (and most weeknights) with the boys drinking and spending all day at the cricket on the beers. But since he met his current lady that has stopped. We are now lucky if he is allowed out evry 6 months. In addition he has at her request quit his job so he can work from home and up sticks to move 100 miles away from his former life!!! All this would surely make him a shoe in for the most under the thumb man but the latest news is she has persuaded him their life together would be complete with a puppy- despite his allergy to pet hair!!!!”

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My name is Ryan Fagan and me and my collective group of friends actually know Britain’s most under the thumb man. As a little background information, I am a second year Keele university student living with three others including the man himself. As a regular Zoo reader i saw this competition and felt it my duty to inform Zoo readers and the rest of the world about this person. There are an uncountable amount of stories i could tell you however i believe you can only type several hundreds of thousands of words into an email… This isn’t enough for the sheer amount of encounters of ‘Unladdish’ and ‘cringey’ moments that have happened since i met this person at university.

Myself and two other housemates recently arranged our annual summer holiday (This time to Ibiza) which usually includes girls, Alcohol, Clubs and kebabs. The same as last year we asked Macs (The massive Sap) to come join us and proceeded to tell him how we would have the best time of his life and how it would be worth every penny. He again rejected our offer saying how he didn’t have the money but he would love to come. Instantly we could tell this was utter Bull**** and new there was another reason. After long interrogation he still told us it was simply money problems. I dug deeper and went straight to the source it’self… The Girlfriend! She explained to me how Macs was going to be booking a week away in Edinburgh and that this would be costing almost exactly the same as our early booked, dirt cheap amazing week away in the best clubbing destination in the world! I told the lads about this disgraceful, deceitful trip he was booking instead of one with us. He lost huge amounts of respect and we made it our duty to tell everyone about how his girlfriend had such a hold on a trip of a lifetime.

Macs See’s his girlfriend who lives in Liverpool every week when she travels down to our rented house. I believe this is very often for a university relationship especially with the workload. He Pays for her to travel to and from Liverpool and spends like crazy on her when she is here. Her nights out, new straighteners, food, drink, you name it he’s bought it her. He calls her baby in every sentence but pronounces it ‘bby’ which adds a massively cringey element. When she arrives on the train he travels on the bus to meet her just to come straight back. He then cooks for her every night, asks her every millisecond if she is okay just in case she ‘kicks off’. She even told him to get a hair cut because she didn’t like it and he did it. Once she even straightened his hair!! (its not even long). It’s such a shame, there is a true lad under this and being under the thumb is destroying this.

I wish i was not writing this email, but as i explained before this boy needs whipping into shape and sorting out. Tonight Tinchy Stryder is coming and playing a gig at our relatively small university. Me, my housemates and all of our friends have tickets except one person. Macs. He is spending the night in with his girlfriend who doesn’t go our university and visits EVERY WEEK. This is an unmissable event and will be a brilliant night as everyone is going. However on his girlfriends request… He is not attending. Sometimes when he tells me these things i try to be sick. and she has him ‘Under the Thumb’ so bad. He is whipped,controlled,manipulated and an overall massive sap. He used to have brief spells of being a Lad but his appearances out with us, his ‘friends’ are now minimal and i need Zoo’s help to get him back on track!

**

So there you have it, more tales of deceit – we’re no longer accepting entries but if you fancy tickling our funny bone anyway, visit our Facebook page and dob your mate in.

It’s transfer deadline day today in the football league, which means chairman and managers up and down the land are desperately thumbing through their Panini sticker albums for inspiration on that missing piece of the jigsaw. It’s deadline day here at The Stag Company too, with the curtain coming down on our quest to find Britain’s Most Under the Thumb Man. We’ve been absolutely swamped with entries to the competition that we’ve run in conjunction with Zoo Magazine and we’re almost ready to crown our winner – ALMOST.

Yep, there’s still just a few hours ticking down all the while. Think of me as Jim White with the yellow ticker running down the bottom of the screen as Britain’s slipperiest eels are called to account for their crimes against fun. Here are a few entries we’ve received for consideration for the Newcastle stag do. If you can do better, get your entry into underthethumb@zootoday.com.

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I’d like to nominate Peter O’Dwyer since he met up with ‘er indoors he has been under constant thumb pressure. So much so that you stand more chance of seeing Osama
Bin Laden or Elvis Presley or even a ￡9 pound note than seeing Pete, once the life and soul of any function he is now only a memory, a distant star that is fading. There are plenty of rumours going around that he is shrunk by at least 6 inches from the constant thumb pressure being applied which has also seen him develop a small bald patch where the thumb is applied. Now, if we were to win this trip we could get him away for a weekend and try to restore him to his former self as it is quite clear he is suffering from Stockholm syndrome, which is the phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. So please if you can help then please let us win and get Pete out of this awful situation and restore him to his former self.

regards
Jolyon

***

If you could look ‘under the thumb’ up in the dictionary the definition would be my mate.

He is allowed one ‘night off’ a week which usually involves him inviting people round to sit in his conservatory (no girls aloud though, not even friends). Everyone else has a drink while he speaks to his bird on the phone, sometimes arguing over why he didn’t text back immediately or answer the phone first time. He then starts falling asleep around 12 and everyone has to go home and thats it until the next time he gets a pass out.

Lets make this one a special pass out. We promise we’ll return him in reasonable condition, hopefully with all limbs intact.

From Mark Kilcran

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ENTRY FOR ONE OF OUR TEAM MEMBERS.

Hi,

Has to be without a shadow of a doubt Keith White of the Stag Company. This guys excuses are diabolical, and there is only one place for this guy the Nae Banter Express. Let me start as of 2012 he is now on a points system, now when asked by one of the lads to go out his reply ” sorry guys i got to stay in tonight to build up some points”. If he is not busy building points other times he says he needs to groom his rabbit. I did not know he had one till the other day.

These are pretty lame excuses for a man who calls himself “24/7″ and is out out a click of a finger. Even when he is out, the mobile is out texting the Mrs he will be home by Midnight and he will make sure he brings back some Haribo for brownie points. Keith White 2012 most under the thumb bloke

Regards

Michael Jeffries

***

Don’t forget to join our Facebook page where you can get 5% off stag do accessories just for liking the page. Deeeeeecent.

Star of Bridesmaids and the IT Crowd, Chris O’Dowd is now engaged to his fiancée, the TV presenter Dawn Porter and is already nervous about his upcoming stag night. The Irish actor is well used to messy stag parties, with a recent bash for Dark Knight and Inception star Cillian Murphy particularly sticking in his mind.

The lads were on a boat trip, sailing down the river Shannon when the boat crashed, prompting a rescue mission.

“One of the lads decided to light a disposable barbecue, which he’d placed on the plastic decking of the boat.

“He realised that he needed a buffer, so he used a newspaper, but that caught fire. He quickly threw the barbecue overboard, but because the wind was blowing the wrong way, all the tiny coals blew back towards us and got scattered around the plastic decking,” he said.

O’Dowd is keeping his fingers crossed that there’s no repeat of the carnage, although, to be fair, an Irishman has a certain responsibility for a teensy-weensy bit of messiness.

“I think Cillian’s agent had paid the deposit, so we weren’t too worried about the damage, and the fact that we needed a second replacement boat,” he added.

O’Dowd popped the question to the delectable Dawn in Guernsey in December and announced the engagement on Twitter with the immortal line,

“I’m so bored of all this happiness and sex, I’m getting married.”

His fiancee was similarly pleased, tweeting,

“I guess he liked it, coz he put a ring on it.”

If you want to set the tone for a similarly messy weekend of fun, you’re going to want to grab some stag do accessories, which you can do from our brand-spanking new shop. And, just because we’re feeling extra generous, you can secure yourselves a 5% discount, just for liking our Facebook page – can’t say fairer than that, right?

We’ve spent a lot of time on the blog lately looking at men who are dominated by the women in their lives, so we were heartened to read the following piece of news this week. Hugh Dancy is currently ‘going steady’ with English rose, Claire Danes, star of Romeo and Juliet, Terminator 3 and Stardust and was handed a Golden Globe this week for her role in the Warner Brothers TV drama Homeland. Probably the ideal time to celebrate with her beau, Dancy, you’d have thought – wrong. Said beau was confined to bed, dead to the world after his brother’s stag do.

Danes picked up the award for best actress in a TV drama for Homeland where she stars alongside Band of Brothers star Damian Lewis. It certainly seems like Dancy must wear the trousers in the relationship – as Danes even sound too annoyed with her man after he missed her big moment,

She said: “My husband has just been hosting his brother’s bachelor weekend in London which has been three days of debauchery.

“He was very asleep when I won – at least I hope – and was for some time.”

All in all, slightly annoying, my Mrs would be annoyed if I missed an episode of Take Me Out, never mind her winning an award, even if I’d just come home from a 2 week Tallinn stag do… anyway…

Ricky Gervais was once again appointed masters of ceremony for the awards ceremony. He left fans slightly disappointed with a more “safe” routine than in previous years and the now-svelte comedian has announced that he won’t return as host for next year’s ceremony.

“I’ve told my agent to never let me be persuaded to do it again.”

You can’t blame Gervais for reining himself in after 2011′s ceremony which drew widespread criticism for “crossing lines of civility”.

Still, it sounds like Ricky had a fine old time:

“The crowd were great this year,” he said. “I think they finally worked out that my gags only seemed rude and nasty but were actually not too scary at all.

“Or they were just drunker.”

It’s not too late to submit your best mate into our Under the Thumb competition if you think he is Britain’s Most Under the Thumb Man. Find out how to enter the competition here.

Picture credit: s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

The Stag Company’s hunt for Britain’s Most Under the Thumb Man continues apace and today, we bring you more entries as our search reaches its half way mark. If you’re requiring any inspiration for entering your best mate for a chance to win that Newcastle stag do, look no further than Ben “The King (his words, not ours) Hobbs.

Ben, you may not be royalty, but you did a good thing today…

***

I am besieging you today with a nomination for Britain’s most under the thumb man. Although we may call him a man in the loosest sense of the word, 20 year old Christopher Riddle is a man thoroughly under the thumb. We have said this many a time, and he just tends to get stroppy with us even though it is by definition, banter.

Banter isn’t the only thing this man can’t handle though (I once commented how bad his driving was, banter by anyone’s definition, only to be confronted the next day by a Facebook message so full of angst it could of been written by a recently dumped 12 year old girl, declaring how I was ‘out of order’ and how it had ‘upset’ him), he also can’t handle a single night out with the lads. Many a time has he declined our numerous invites for a thoroughly good knees up, and those few times that he does show his face, he does it with his leash on, his missus leading him like a stray dog, only for them to disappear merely an hour after the action has started. Most recently of his no shows was for a jolly good Christmas piss up. His reason for not attending? He had the sniffles. What did he do instead? ‘Stayed in and talked to Siobhan (the one with the thumb) all night about Pokemon’. Oh yes, you read that right. He even put it on Facebook. We were a bit miffed to say the least.

Anyway, that’s about as much as I can say about him, I hope that you will see this bloke as a worthy candidate to be shown how the Geordie’s go out and get smashed, he might even learn a thing or two (hopefully not the accent though!).

Well, it has been fun putting together this snapshot of Chris for your entertainment, I hope you find him the most worthy of a bender up North, because there’s nothing better than getting something for free. Cheers guys!

Peace, love, and pogo sticks.

Yours,

Ben ‘The King’ Hobbs.

***

Ben, but you might be in with a chance of winning that Newcastle stag do – a strong contender, truly.

Can you do better? Visit The Stag Company Facebook page and dob your mate in to be in with a chance of winning. ’til next time, folks.

PS: Don’t forget you could still win a copy of the new zombie movie Stag Night of the Dead by answer this very easy question.

HOW TO ENTER: Visit the afore-mentioned Facebook page and answer the following question:

Q: Which computer game is this zombie taken from?

A) Silent Hill
B) Dead Rising
C) Resident Evil

It’s that time again – time to delve into the pile of Under the Thumb submissions the metaphorical postman, with creaking back, is bringing in by the sackload. We’re having a great response to the search for Britain’s Most Under the Thumb Man but we want more – we still think there’s a few rats under the floorboards, getting away with their wicked ways. Get your submissions in to underthethumb@zootoday.com and you could win The Stag Company’s take on Newcastle stag weekends. Not too shabby.

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Our first submission is of the masochistic variety, but top marks for self-awareness – the last line is genuinely priceless…

My Under The Thumb Nomination is sadly myself. On Saturday night I had to knock back some beers with my mates because my wife made me feel guilty. We then watched the same episode of Take Me Out twice and she went to bed while I did the ironing. I couldn’t watch the telly as she came through a couple of times to ask me to keep the noise down. So I did the ironing on a Saturday in silence. Until 2.30am.

I then had to knock back a well deserved pint on Sunday while watching the football. But then my wife gave me a list of tasks to do.

I hear there’s a world outside of housework. Let me see it.

Neil Renton, Edinburgh

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Today’s second submission from Josh Beverley has been “sharing the needle” with his Iron Lady, developing a pretty serious addiction to Grey’s Anatomy…

Nomination’s Name: Josh Beverley

Zoo, in our group of mates at Uni we definitely have the most under the thumb person in all of Britain. This is a guy who “chooses”, at his girlfriend’s request of course to not come out with us on a royal piss-up in our adopted party city of Newcastle, and would rather spend his nights in his bedroom, with his girlfriend he met up here last year watching series after series of Grey’s Anatomy. It’s tragic! It truly is, he’s a second year at Newcastle University, what is he playing at? To add to this, when he does finally make it out on his fortnightly effort into town, he generally leaves early, taken home by the missus for a quieter night at home, sometimes even hoisted from the queue on the way in, this is an experience we’ve now come to expect and hate. Further to this, when these happenings do occur, he has been known to make up excuses like “we weren’t allowed in”, this is appalling behaviour from any male.

Our nomination is actually more of a plea! Please help us split these two apart for two minutes, I’m sure she’d enjoy the spa treatment for the day, and we’d have our friend back, at least for the weekend.

Yours sincerely,

Jack Leslie and Joshua Pickersgill, Newcastle Uni

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Our final submission for the day is from Robert Stent who has been forced to employ a strike system on his emasculated housemate…

I would like to nominate Robert Stent, a 23 year old Bournemouth University student. I live with this man, and within our student house we have a strike system. Strikes are issued for prioritising lady friends over your housemates. Young Robert was the first to reach 3 strikes (at which point you receive a punishment) and is now steadily working his way to the next milestone. His strike offences include: leaving the pub at the start of a night out to see his girlfriend, leaving pre drinks at someone’s house to see his girlfriend, and openly admitting the enjoyment of twilight, with his girlfriend.

Luke Dennison, Bournemouth

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To be kept in the loop as the competition progresses, join our Facebook page, hit like and sit back and watch the whipped get named and shamed.

Anyone following us on Facebook or Twitter will be aware that we’re currently receiving submissions for the unenviable title of Britain’s Most Under the Thumb Man. You can send yours into underthethumb@zootoday.com and we’ll be sharing some of the best on this ‘ere blog for the next few weeks until the winner is announced at the end of January. As it’s Blue Monday – statistically the most depressing day of the year, we reckon there’s no better time to share one of our favourites so far – might make you feel a bit better about your relationship at least…

WARNING: If your name is Mick Owen, you might want to click off our website now…

Remember that the winner will be whisked off on a Newcastle stag do, so get your entries in now.

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Hi Folks, I would jst like to put forward my best mate Mick Owen as
being the most ‘under the thumb’ person ever!

Firstly he can only come out with the lads when his mrs is at work but
as soon as she finishes she’s on the phone to him demanding his return.
Once he told us he couldnt come out so we peered thru his lounge window
and saw him under a duvet with a face like a smacked arse whilst she
watched Desperate Housewives.

Also, she asked him to marry her! Now I have to organise his stag,
speeches etc.

When he answers the phone to her he scuttles off and answers with a camp high pitched tone of “hey baby, u ok?”…. Then gets a bollicking
because he’s not plugged the air freshner in at home.

He once got so scared that we dropped some cheese on her carpet that he
had to tell us to leave. Mid lads night in!…..coz she allowed him the
house until midnight.

A barman came to take the dreggs of her wine away at a pub, he grabbed
the barmans hand and shouted “Do not take that! My life wont be worth
living”

He always has to go home when she wants, even tho the lads stay out.
Sometimes he has to just dissapear coz he daren’t tell us!

He got so scared in a strip bar once he ran off and told us he was
sick…he hadnt even had a beer!

Micks a great guy but his balls are about to burst due to the pressure
of her thumb! Please allow us all a night out as there will be nothing
she can do about it.

Hope to hear from you. All the best. Tommy C.

***

We’ve been enjoying a wonderful response to our Under the Thumb campain, here are the first few submissions we’ve had. Cue much guffawing here at Stag Co towers.

You can still enter, visit The Stag Company Facebook page to find out how and you could win a Newcastle stag do for you and 5 friends, as well as a Bristol hen party spa night for the iron lady.

Having recently seen your quest to find Britain’s Most Under The Thumb Man, I thought I’d write in to you with my nomination.

I’d like to nominate my mate Tom Snowden. For a number of reason really, but primarily because I feel he is Britain’s Most Under The Thumb Man. I feel it’s best to list my reasons for this as there are so many. So here are some of them;

1) Every time he meets a girl he moves her into his house within about 2 weeks and his mates never hear off him again (unless he needs them for a tip run).
2) Not only does he move the girl in, he’s also housing her dog which he bought her for £1000.00, and also this big stupid thing aswel now and again (possibly a bull mastiff – similair).
3) He had to to go home the other day half way through a night out to “check on the dog…”.
4) He never has pre-match on a Saturday night anymore because he’s sat in watching dancing on ice with his missus.
5) Obviously he doesn’t come out anymore, always the case when he meets a girl.
6) Stopped tanning becasue his girlfriend told him to (he’s been going on sunbeds for as long as I can remember).
7) Was into bodybuilding now since he met her he’s into losing weight and looking more toned (1 and a half stone lost in about 2 months, he looks crap).
Stopped shaving his chest hair and I asked his girlfriend if she’d asked him to and she said she has, he denies this (shaved his chest hair for about 5 years before he met her).
9) 2 of our mates are going to Australia for a year at the end of this month, he’s just refusing to say wether or not he’s coming out before they go, typicially he does this when he’s not going to be out.
10) Once we were out he said he’s going home to charge his phone, he obviously never returned.

To be honest he’s just a waste of time. I put a status on Facebook yesterday ironically stating how annoyed I was with him. I deleted him off Facebook for banter, and his girlfriend showed him the status and he went mad. I’ve attached the screenmunch of this as I feel the second to last sentance sums him up very well.

I really hope you take this nomination seriously, as I feel he deserves this award. We (his mates) are on the verge of disowning him and he needs to know this.

Thank you,

Jonathan Baird.
—————

Zoo, my brother Dan is Britain’s most under the thumb man. He is an avid Southampton FC supporter but since being with his girlfriend he is no longer allowed to go, and to make it worse she has made him move to The Saints’ bitter rivals Portsmouth to be closer to her family. So now he can’t even wear his Saints shirt in public. He is getting married next year and this prize would make his day, if not his year. Please see it in your hearts to give him this one last lad’s weekend before he is crushed under the pressure of his fiancé’s thumb.

Adam Kidd

Note: if you see your submission here, you’re still in the running, don’t worry.