Whhh-tshhhhh - is that the sound of a whip? Yes, Crouchy, you've been absolutely whipped, your boys took one helluva beating etc etc.
Peter Crouch has been banned from having a stag do by his good lady fiance, Abby Clancy after his exploits at a friend's stag weekend last year. In a pre-emptive strike, Clancy has given Crouch a red card to his dreams of stagging it up with pals ahead of their wedding this summer.
Clancy's pal told The Mirror: "It has taken a lot for Abbey to forgive Peter. She has just about managed to move on.
"The thought of him heading out for another stag party with a big group of friends is too much just before their wedding.
"She has told him if he wants the wedding to go ahead he will have to stay home alone."
“Abbey is determined that nothing is going to get in the way of her big day.”
Crouch was caught with those long trousers down with a £800 a night prostitute on a friend's Madrid stag weekend. Monica Mint, admitted to soliciting to sex with the striker last year,
Monica claimed: “Peter had no hesitation in paying for sex with me. He wasn’t nervous.”
Mint said: 'We stopped at the traffic lights while I was doing what he wanted and he didn't seem to mind that people could have seen him
'Because he is so tall, his legs were squashed up and the driver was joking as out movements were shaking the seat.
'Peter was humble and kind,' she said.
'The Spanish players are arrogant divas who treat me like a whore. I don't think Peter is good looking, but he is a nice person.'
'I can't believe he paid for sex with someone like me when he has a gorgeous woman like her at home.'
Poor ol' Peter. He is responsible for one of our favourite quotes - when asked what he would be if he wasn't a footballer he replied, "a virgin". Shot him up in our estimation, I tell you.